<3 You’re too kind!! >.<

I’m not gonna lie, things are still pretty bleak at the moment, haha. So I’m trying my best to hold onto all these nice things that people like yourself have said.

It’s kind of a long story, and you know what I’m like with my rambling, so I’ll try my best to summarise the situation (though I have rambled about it at even greater length in a ko-fi post draft that I'll probably post shortly, haha), but basically, I’m now stuck in a battle with the UK government that could last a few years >.< All because mental health professionals have encouraged me to apply for this small amount of extra support money you can get that’s designed to try and help people with various difficulties live a more independent life (in theory anyway x3)

I didn’t for many years cos I had a bad feeling it would be a harrowing process. I only went for it finally because the clinical psychologist who diagnosed my ASD last year pretty much begged me to try and apply for it.

Well, it hasn’t gone well, haha. That was kind of to be expected, but I couldn’t anticipate the sheer psychological damage of their independent ‘health’ assessments and following decision letter >.< I don’t really even have the words to describe the process, but if I had to try and pick a few, I’d go with, degrading, dehumanising, demeaning, invalidating, and ultimately traumatic. 

I couldn’t possibly handle it all alone, so I contacted the ASD support group I’m currently attending to see if they could offer any help, and they put me in touch with an advice & advocacy charity. The support group said that if we were being generous, their assessors are simply ignorant of how ASD can impact people. But more worryingly, it seems as though they have essentially denied the existence of my ASD diagnosis, refused to make reasonable adjustments for me despite my asking for them (and they're supposed to make these reasonable adjustments by law under a disabilities act), ignored all of my written correspondence, and essentially discriminated against me on account of my autism.

Since they won’t take in my words, I’m now having to rely on the advocacy charity to be my voice. I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done without their support. I’ve already had one of the biggest meltdowns I’ve had in years over the whole thing >.<

And, in general, it just seems as though the UK government are pushing to do everything it can to destroy the lives of disadvantaged and disabled people across the entire country :( It just seems like one of those unwinnable situations because we’re just the little people who can’t defend ourselves and they pick on us relentlessly, demonise us, and try to turn society against us. 

To them, we’re not passionate people who want to contribute as much as we can to society but just need some support to do so, nope, in their eyes and their rhetoric, we’re lazy, leeching, degenerates who are one of the big reasons the country’s economy is so bad because we’re sucking away all the taxpayer money claiming benefits >.> Because of course, the state of the economy has absolutely nothing to do with government incompetence and straight-up corruption of those in power.

Right now, they’re in the process of amending laws that will allow them to target people claiming aid money and look at the purchase history in their bank accounts + any accounts connected to those people, like friends & family members o.O Previously, they could only do that if they suspected someone of fraud, under the new changes, they can do generalised sweeping checks on everyone.

They say it’s to combat fraud because fraud related to certain benefits is costing far too much money, but their own figures show that in one of the benefits targetted, the rate of fraud was only 1.1% in 2023 o.O But they make out like everyone claiming it is an evil, money-sucking vampire! And the average person doesn’t go hunting for the facts and the truth. They just believe what they hear in the news from politicians saying things like the country is being destroyed by disabled, lazy, workshy parasites. Then people vote for them on the basis that they’re doing something about it by punishing us, therefore making the country better/richer.

They’re also looking to implement a scheme to push people who are long-term unemployed due to ill health into basically any job out there or be sanctioned/lose their support money. An MP said that it’s 'morally wrong' for people who are long-term unemployed to not be seeking any form of employment available to them regardless of their health conditions. That they have a duty to work and pay taxes, not scrounge off the benefits system.

Thankfully, there are people standing up to the cruel plans of the government, like in this quote here:

“Justin Donne, chair of the autistic-led charity Autistic Nottingham, said: “The only ‘moral wrong’ is the government’s callous attitude to people who are long-term unemployed, including the autistic people our charity supports.

“What’s concerning about the chancellor’s announcement is that it ignores the fact that few employers offer that kind of work-from-home flexibility and adequate pay, to make such plans realistic.

“We do not live in a dream world where these jobs exist, thus creating a nightmare for autistic people on benefits who are long-term unemployed due to a lack of accessible work.”

It hurts so much to be demonised like that by the people who are supposed to take care of the country and its people.

If I didn’t have everyone here telling me that there is value in what I’m trying to do with my games, I’d probably fall into complete despair with the way people like me are viewed by the average person in UK society >.<

Anyways, I’m sorry because I still rambled x3 It’s a big, multi-layered problem to unpack because you’ve got my individual nightmare related to my current claim and the charity helping me fight that battle, and then you’ve got the wider issue impacting everyone in a similar situation to me.

But yeah, with all that currently crushing me, it’s hard to hold onto a positive attitude >.< I’m just trying to do what I usually do when I’m overwhelmed and can’t cope with anything and just working ungodly hours on a project to completely block out thoughts of anything else x3 It's literally the only way I know how to survive >.<

I hope that you’re well yourself at least! And that February has been kind to you :3 With any luck, your year will be a happy one that gets better with every month!

I’m really glad that you have that platform and that space to be your best self in your videos :3 Your happiness definitely shines in your videos and is infectious, haha. It’s a shame that you can’t extend that sense of being able to fully be yourself in other parts of life :( I feel you though because I can only really be my happiest, most authentic version of myself when in the safety of my home, haha. Every time I step outside, it’s like I take a bag of masks with me and wear whichever one I feel I need to at the time x3 and I’m painfully aware that my masks aren’t even adequate, haha. 

At the ASD support group I’m attending right now, they have told us to try our best to embrace that we’re neurodivergent, to try and let go of the masks and the self-monitoring and just be the way we were before we realised we had to cover it all up x3 Which is a nice sentiment, but it’s easier said than done! If I’m being completely honest, sometimes I don’t even know who I am xD I’ve tried to squeeze myself into so many different shapes over the years in (failed) attempts to fit in that I feel like I consist of fragments of a person, and I’m not entirely sure what’s actually me and what’s leftover shards of some sort of performance >.<

I guess I never really had that opportunity as a kid/young person to explore/discover who I might be because I was too busy using all my energy trying to blend in as a matter of survival x3 That sounds so tragic now that I write it down o.o”

I’m not sure what it’s like where you are, but where I live, we still have that sort of stubbornness in older generations who don’t believe mental health is a thing x3 That it’s just youngsters are too sensitive these days, they need to pull their socks up, stop moaning, and get on with it! Sort of attitude >.< Even my own mum, who isn’t THAT old, doesn’t really get mental health like it’s something other people have made up because they’re too weak to handle life o.O I can’t talk to her about anything like that because it just does not compute with her even a tiny bit. 

And then you have the government and the media over here saying stuff like young people are ‘Generation Sick Note - Too lazy to work’ >.< Which just completely dismisses the fact that a huuuuge chunk of the reason people are too ill to work is because their mental health has gotten so bad! I don’t understand how in this day and age, people can still be so smallminded when it comes to mental health so much so as to accuse people struggling with poor mental health of being lazy :( 

And then the worst part is, they expect you to get better without any help! 

I think younger people are more clued up and more open about discussing mental health stuff, but yeah, we have a loooong way to go still when it comes to general understanding of how it impacts people >.<

Anyways, it means a lot to me that you felt that way about the game :3 It was always gonna be one of those obscure things that probably only interests a few people x3 but still, I have to thank you again for choosing to make a video of it! I've only had a chance to watch about half of your video so far, but I have to say that all your commentary and stuff is so heartwarming x3 You've handled such a sensitive topic with such a huge and caring heart <3 Aaaand, you still managed to make me laugh out loud more than once xD Digimon, hehe, now there are some happy childhood memories :D I reckon if Saffie had someone like you in her life for a while, she probably wouldn't have felt the need to go wandering off into the woods!

But yeah, even just from your comments here and the comments of others on the project, I’m glad that I decided to share it in the end because to know it resonates with anyone at all means the world to me and is also extremely validating on a personal level. If someone does end up feeling heard or seen as a result of your video, that would be incredible. I know for me, just having people on my side who accept and make an effort to understand me makes a world of difference because feeling invisible and alone is so isolating >.<

Man, that sounds like a pretty powerful video! I can see it playing out in my head just from your description, haha. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve essentially done that at times myself >.< I wish I knew why it’s so much easier to hold on to 1 single negative thing than a whole bunch of positives. It seems so illogical x3 As much as I try to be the sort of person who doesn’t let the bad stuff get under my skin, it somehow always does. 1 stupid cruel comment shouldn't have the power to drown out an ocean of positivity T_T

I’d love to know what it is about someone’s journey through life that allows them to totally shrug off negative stuff like it hardly even touches them, haha. I see people who are super confident and think to myself… how?! How have you attained this level of confidence and where can I acquire it too, please? x3

I really like visual aids for things like this though, so I think I might have to borrow what you said about trying to imagine carrying the full jar of all the good things :3 I reckon it might help me keep it in mind cos while I feel like I’m doing a slightly better job at it nowadays, I still have a tendency to let the negative seep in when I’ve been having a hard time >.< I sometimes try to imagine negative comments like little black bouncy balls, and when I read something that makes me feel crappy, try to envision just booting it with all my strength so it just flies off into the distance in the hope that I might not keep dwelling on it xD