Darling Duality
Mental Health Awareness Month & My 1st Attempt At Fundraising For Charity
Since May is mental health awareness month, I figured I'd try to speak a bit more in detail about how May has gone for me mental health-wise (spoiler alert: not very well xD)
I also have an announcement to make regarding an event that I'm attempting to participate in throughout June. Since, as always, it's gonna get quite rambly, I'll make large headers for each section so that you can scroll down through any section that you'd prefer not to read, haha.
May and my declining mental health
(Warning, some of the topics I discuss here could potentially be triggering for people suffering with their own depression and battling suicidal thoughts.)
Now, you might have to forgive me for my candor here. I'm no Qowat Milat, but when it comes to talking about mental health, I definitely believe that honesty is the best policy. And I don't say this for pity. I already do enough self-pitying as it is, haha. I just want to be open in describing the impact depression has on me because I can't stand the idea of hiding my feelings.
Throughout my life, what I'm able to do on a day-to-day basis fluctuates with my mood. Sometimes I can manage to do things, much of the time I can't manage to do a whole lot >.< I try my best to seize the better days and be productive when I can. Game jams have often provided me with intense focus, but not always, as I really struggled with Valentines VN jam last year.
Things were gradually going downhill through April, but it's throughout May that things have really gone to shit again! At first, I thought perhaps it was a case of burnout as a result of going straight from the end of Yandere Jam into working on the DD revamp in March, and so I tried to better control myself, and take a step back from working obsessively on projects.
Unfortunately, it didn't help much, and I continued to feel worse and worse. I couldn't really understand why that was happening when I was doing my best to try and heed self-care and such. I suppose that's part of the nature of depression. There isn't always an easily identifiable why. Sometimes depression just hits you in a way you can't anticipate or fight back against even if it's something that's lived alongside you for most of your life.
I think maybe I was in denial that a major depressive episode was creeping in like an ever-encroaching tide of crushing waves, ready to swallow me whole. I went into autopilot, doing my best to do whatever I could. Until one day, I was trying to exercise while listening to the song 'Crystal Ball' by the band 'Keane' and found myself planning my suicide again. This is the last song I would listen to, something to sort of comfort me as I waded into the ocean, allowing the water to take me away from all the pain I was experiencing and attempting to shut out.
It was when I actually caught myself thinking those thoughts that I realised just how bad things had gotten again, and wept to myself at my inability to have even noticed that until then.
The problem that's haunted me most of my life since leaving school was back again to bite me in the butt. I don't want to die, but the pain of living is also often too much to bear. Going back to Keane, funnily enough, some of the lyrics in their song 'Nothing in my Way' do a decent job of explaining how I feel. The chorus goes:
'And why do you say?
It's just another day
Nothing in my way
I don't want to go
I don't want to stay
So, there's nothing left to say
And why do you lie?
When you want to die
When you hurt inside
Don't know what you lie for, anyway
Now there's nothing left to say'
I have no idea what the intended meaning of the lyrics are, but they resonate with me in the sense that I always try so hard to keep going, as though it truly is just another day. But at the same time, I'm stuck because I don't want to go and I don't want to stay. So then, what is there to say? I just try to go on every day as though nothing's wrong, as though I can somehow make it and somehow things will be better even though nothing's actually changing. So, in a way, I'm lying to myself by just carrying on when I hurt so much.
Though, it's not as though I haven't tried time and time again to get help. And it's not as though I haven't received help either. I've had numerous courses of different types of therapy along with trying a wide variety of antidepressants. The problem is, nothing has ever really helped or had much of an impact. This could possibly be down to the fact that it wasn't until recent years anyone pointed out that I could be on the autistic spectrum. And so I wasn't receiving help targeted towards people with ASD. I am now on a waiting list for such help, but as far as I'm aware, it could be 3-5 years before I eventually get an appointment. That's a long time to wait when you're in what's typically referred to as 'in crisis'.
The best way I can attempt to describe the way I've been feeling recently is that it's like I'm a shadow. As though the main part of me that makes me who I am, the one who is in control, has decided to get up and go elsewhere, leaving me behind like some sort of echo or shadow of that person. I am still part of them, and so I know what it is they wanted to do, their hopes and dreams, but because I have no real form of my own without them, I'm left with their thoughts and no way to act on them. I know their desires, but have no actual ability to manifest physical progress. And so I'm stuck, ruminating, constantly. It's like dropping a stone into the centre of a lake. I am the ripples in the water, gradually fading into nothingness.
It's a really horrible, scary place to be. And whenever I'm overcome with this sort of phase, it's like being trapped in a dark room, waiting for yourself to finally come back so you can carry on. But with no way of knowing how long it will be until they return, you begin to wonder if they ever will, which only makes things worse. And you can hear the comforting voices of those who care about you on the other side of a locked door. They're there for you. They're encouraging you. You know they're there; you can hear them. But despite that, you can't reach them and they can't truly reach you. Their words are precious. They help you bide your time in the darkness, at least knowing that you're not alone, but words are not enough to force open the locked door. Heck, with depression, even if the door was locked from your side and the key to your freedom magically manifested in the palm of your hand, you probably wouldn't be able to muster the energy to even walk to the door and set yourself free.
When enough time passes, their voices begin to fade into the background of the stagnant static that you've slowly surrounded yourself with. Then you become numb to everyone and everything. You stop wondering if the door will ever open because that dark room is now your world. Nothing else exists outside your prison. It's easy to slip into sleepwalking where you're not even sure if you're awake. Whether you're alive or dead.
It's a gripping, all-consuming hopelessness that devours every part of who you are until there's nothing left but misery and self-pity.
I've been through this, time and time again throughout my life. Phases of intense, energising elation followed by the ground beneath me suddenly swallowing me up, dumping me into a pit of depression that seems impossible to escape from. Deep down, I know it won't last forever. No feeling does. But it's so, so hard to remember what life outside this bleak box looks like when I'm trapped inside it.
Sometimes I wish I could trade my extreme highs and lows for a constant sort of general contentedness, but then I suppose I wouldn't be me anymore. And aside from that, I doubt that most people are ever content 100% of the time.
As always, I will try my best to push through despite every inch of me screaming to just give up. I can only apologise to anyone waiting for the next DD update for how unpredictable my productivity can be.
I'm not giving up. I'll make progress when I can (even if it's at snail speed at the moment >.<), but I'll probably stop these monthly devlogs until productivity improves because there won't be a great deal to say. Instead, I'll stick to posting small updates on twitter, Patreon, and Ko-fi whenever there's something worth posting!
30 Days Wild – My first attempt at fundraising to help wildlife
Moving on to something a little brighter and more positive, I'm going to be trying my best to participate in a challenge set by the Wildlife Trusts charity to do something with nature in mind each day throughout June, whether it be something as simple as sitting outdoors to eat breakfast, taking in the birdsong, or actively helping nature by engaging in tasks such as picking up litter in my local area.
Nature has always been a source of comfort to me despite my poor mental health throughout my life. It has this amazing ability to almost put a pause on my depressed mind. It's one of the reasons that my dad and I always go for walks in nature at weekends. After being stuck indoors all week in my tiny little world, going outside is like a holiday from my mind. Being immersed in nature, whether it be a stroll through the woods or sitting in a hide watching birds, helps to pull me into the present, a place I find extremely difficult to dwell in much of the time as my mind wanders to regrets of the past or fixates on anxieties of the future.
Over the years, nature has done so much to help me. During the pandemic when I was feeling suicidal, my dad encouraged me to go on a walk with him even though I didn't want to at the time. The only thing I wanted was to die. But on that walk, I witnessed an extraordinary bird called the curlew, bathing in what resembled a pond of liquid gold as the sun slowly set over the flooded fields. And as we were sitting in a bird hide, a cuckoo landed on the roof, releasing its signature call. That sight and that sound were enough for me to feel a love for life again in that small moment. It wasn't enough to heal me, but it was enough to remind me that there are beautiful things out there which are worth sticking around for. I headed home that evening with my heart a little lighter.
Now more than ever, nature needs our help. Both the curlew and the cuckoo are threatened where I live, both making the red list for conservation. The thought of either disappearing entirely from my country fills me with immeasurable sadness.
I've always wanted to try and raise money for the charities and causes I care most about, but with no job and an extremely small in-person social circle, not to mention my crippling anxiety and depression, I've always filed it away as one of those things that's just not possible for me. That's what I tell myself about almost everything because of poor mental health. It's impossible.
This time though, I'm going to at least try. If you want to support my effort to participate in the 30 Days Wild challenge, help to protect precious nature, *and snag yourself a nature-themed time-limited wallpaper for DD, please consider giving a donation here:
www.justgiving.com/fundraising/melancholy-marionette
Anything you give goes directly to my local Wildlife Trust. You can read more about how your donations could help in the PDF that I'm attaching to this post. Any updates related to the challenge will be posted on the JustGiving page.
Aside from desperately wanting to help my local Wildlife Trust in some capacity, I'm also hoping that by attempting to participate in the challenge, nature might help lift me into a slightly brighter place since things are pretty dark at the moment. Maybe it will help and maybe it won't, but anything's got to be better than being stuck inside my own head right now!
Regardless of whether you plan to support me in the 30 Days Wild challenge, I just want to say thank you for your support and patience in general as far as my VN projects are concerned. I'm sorry that it's taking me so long to get DD's next update out. I know health comes first, but still, it doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself for not being able to be more productive >.< I'll get there eventually! So yeah, thank you for everything :3
And if you're suffering with mental health problems yourself, please don't try and deal with it alone. Talk to someone you trust. And if you don't have anyone, then feel free to talk to me! I might not be the most responsive when I'm struggling myself, or the most helpful, but I'll do what I can to listen (figuratively via email since my anxiety makes me too terrified to have voice or video calls with people xD)
* The delivery date of the digital wallpaper will depend on when the artist I hope to work with (my good friend and collaborator LPB) has time to work on the piece. Delivery will be whenever it is completed. The wallpaper will be available exclusively to anyone who donates through the JustGiving page linked, and will only be available as part of the challenge. To claim the wallpaper, please take a screenshot of your donation on JustGiving, send it to mm30dayswild@gmail.com with '30 Days Wild' in the subject line, and I'll send an email back with the wallpaper attached as soon as it's available. (I've never used JustGiving before, so I don't know whether they send any contact details or not. I just figured that this would potentially be the easiest way to send out wallpapers x3)
Since I can't attach the fundraising PDF, I'll drop the drive link for it here if you want to take a look :3
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-V5yJK46RE1300SDe0_Jfg0aOlFeOh1P/view?usp=shari...
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Darling Duality
We all have multiple sides. Pick your poison! Will you choose sweet or sinister? Let yandere shenanigans begin!
| Status | On hold |
| Author | Melancholy Marionette |
| Genre | Visual Novel, Interactive Fiction |
| Tags | Amare, Casual, Dark, Dating Sim, Horror, Otome, Psychological Horror, Romance, yandere |
| Languages | English |
More posts
- Development FAQJan 26, 2024
- Darling Duality Progress Report & Plans For The FutureJan 26, 2024
- 30 Days Wild Fundraising Again (wallpaper + more as thanks :3)Jun 01, 2023
- Demo WalkthroughMar 06, 2023
- Castor Needs YOU! (and he brought flowers ^_-)Mar 04, 2023
- End of the year rambling + 1st CG goal met :3Dec 23, 2022
- Mini-Update ReleasedNov 04, 2022
- Happy Halloween! (+ mini-update delayed due to internet death >.<)Oct 31, 2022
- Incoming mini-update for Halloween + OST ReleasesOct 26, 2022
- My Spooktober VN Jam 2022 Projects Are Out Now (one of them is related to DD) \^...Oct 01, 2022
Comments
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oh shit sorry i didn't see sooner. i'm sorry i can't show much demeanor/emphasis/emotion behind what i say, and now rereading that it sucks.... umm getting to the point! i have a very small experience with bad mental health and stuff. look i have no way to cope with failure and it messes me up, like bad, sort of to the point where i literally considered death, a lot, but i usually bounce back after sitting down and just shutting off my brain for a bit (i overthink stuff so it helps). umm look, just... i hope you get better and stuff, (idk how to talk about this kinda thing) i know it's rough, and it may seem pointless sometimes, but you gotta push through, there's so many things you can experience in life, the good, the bad, i'd rather feel then not to, i'd rather feel pain and softness then just constant numbness, sometimes i reconsider but i remember that there's more to life and i just wanna push through.
in short: i hope you can get better and stuff, and accept the good and the bad in life
(sorry i can't donate)
You don't need to apologise :3 And it's okay. We all have our own unique experiences of life. Whether folks show emotion or not doesn't really matter, but when someone chooses to reach out, that's just a really kind thing to do in general :3 My brother rarely shows any emotion (he suffers with poor mental health as well), but I know he cares cos he shows it in really small but significant ways.
Sorry you've struggled with those sorts of thoughts and feelings :( I'm not great with failure either. I quite often beat myself up for thinking I'm a failure even if I haven't failed at something! And it's even worse if I genuinely have failed. I quite often wind up thinking of taking my life too, to the point that it's almost become a comforting thing for me cos it's like, well, at least there is a way out of my mess of a life >.< I think one of my therapists called it suicidal ideation or something! She did say that while it's not exactly great to do, it's better if I'm only thinking about it rather than actually acting on it.
I'm a massive overthinker too >.< I find it very difficult to shut off my brain and find peace. Most of the time, working on my VN projects helps with that since it gives me something to focus on, but sometimes, even that is not enough if I'm feeling particularly exhausted and overwhelmed. I have found over the years thought that immersing myself in nature helps a lot :3 It's like while I'm outside surrounded by plants and animals, there's always something going on to distract me! And that helps me stop constantly ruminating cos I'm focused on what's happening around me rather than what's in my head x3
That's part of the reason why I decided to take part in the 30DaysWild challenge this month :3 I figured maybe it would help me while at the same time hopefully helping nature in general!
It does seem to be making me feel better so far! I'm worried once June is over though, I'll go back to feeling crap again >.< I guess I should try not to think about that for now!
I totally agree that it's better to feel pain and stuff than nothing at all! I've been on meds before that made me so numb that it was genuinely terrifying when I realised just how much my emotions had been deadened. And you're absolutely right that all we can do is keep going and try to push through.
Thank you for writing all that anyhow, and I hope that things get better for you as well so that you don't have to keep suffering through pain and bad times! We all just have to try and keep encouraging each other to keep going I guess.
And don't worry about donating anyhow :3
Fascinating thoughts on depression. You're a good writer and I love your games, and I'm sorry your brain is fussy.
I could probably write a book on it at this point, but I feel like it would be an extremely depressing read x3 and probably uncomfortably self-pitying/self-indulgent >.< since depression has a horrible habit of sometimes stopping you from even seeing past yourself. And I really hate pitying myself, haha. It's one of those things that is just so unhelpful and pointless.
I'm really glad you think so anyhow :3 I often tell myself I'm an impostor when it comes to writing just because I have no formal education when it comes to that sort of thing. I didn't really have much of an education at all if I'm honest >.< something that always leads me to feel sort of inadequate even though I realise I shouldn't let myself feel that way. Despite that, whenever I read a comment like yours, it does help me fight back against myself. It's like it gives ammo to the little part of me who is trying to fight away all the negative thoughts I have! I'm not very good at fighting that part of myself who is always putting myself down. So it's more helpful than I can put into words really.
So yeah, thank you so much for your kind words and support :3
Now I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I've been through my own phase of declining mental health. At some points, I would tie a shirt or sweater around my neck and pull on it until I passed out among some other things I'm not particularly proud of. Ended up in an asylum for around 2 years and it wasn't the tons of pills and high medical bills that got me to come around. Up until that point, I pushed people away from me, I utterly despised people and at times I felt like getting violent. But there were a few things that helped me get a bit better, the same methods don't act as a 'one-size-fits-all' but everyone here supports you along with myself. If you ever need someone to talk to, give me a shout if you don't feel weirded out by here. I'll share some ways you can talk to me and I'm sure others will come out with their own. I don't like pity or extending it, so don't think that's what we're doing, we just love your person because we've come to resonate with you through your work.
It's pretty concerning how so many people struggle with their mental health these days :( I'm really glad that it's a topic which is discussed more in general, and that more and more people are opening up and seeking help, but it does paint a bit of a sad and worrying picture about modern society in parts of the world.
I remember reading a book called Lost Connections, and how the author spoke about how depression is becoming more and more common because of the way we live our lives, and that changes to society would make huge differences in improving people's mental health, like introducing a 4-day working week. It made me think about how some of the toxic ways I view myself are indeed a product of the place I live. One of the big factors in my depression is me feeling useless as a member of society. And I feel useless because I don't have a job and don't earn an income. Where I live (and I imagine a great many places have the same sort of view), you're generally considered lazy and such if you don't have a traditional sort of job. Even my own mum doesn't really see any value in my gaming projects. She sees them more as a sort of indulgence, and relatively pointless. That my time could and should be spent doing more valuable things, such a getting a 'proper' job.
That sort of attitude has often stopped me from seeing or believing in the positive and kind comments people have made about my projects helping them in some way. I take them in, feel immense gratitude, and then they're drowned out as I'm frequently reminded that I'm not a taxpayer because I've never earned enough in my life to pay tax.
I remember one particularly nasty encounter with a board of private doctors on a panel when I was first forced to appeal a decision made as part of a benefits/welfare claim that said I was 'fit for work' while suffering with severe longstanding depression. That minuscule amount of money I was receiving was all I had. Barely enough to buy food. And they wanted to take it away because they thought that depression wasn't a big enough problem to prevent me from working.
One of the doctors sat across from me at a long table and asked "If you're so ill, why haven't you tried to get help?" His question made me so angry that I wanted to both cry and slap him at the same time. I had tried to get help, many, many times, but having no money meant having to wait for free help (it may be on its knees as a system, but boy am I grateful the NHS actually exists here in the UK because I could be well and truly fucked without it!) I told him that I had, but that the NHS waiting lists are extremely long. He then proceeded to say something along the lines of "Well, if you're so ill and so desperate for help, why haven't you sought private care instead?"
It's almost as though the guy was living in an entirely different reality to me. If I could barely afford to feed myself with the money I had, how on earth was I supposed to afford private medical care that costs thousands of pounds? Where would I magically attain the funds? Why was he somehow under the impression that if someone simply wanted help hard enough, they would mysteriously be able to afford it?
And the same sentiment has recently been echoed by our prime minister, who made a comment on the cost of living crisis where working adults can't afford to feed their kids and so have to rely on food banks. He said something along the lines of food banks not being necessary, that the problem is that people don't know how to cook meals or budget properly... While I'm sure that may be the case for some people, it certainly can't be for the majority of people forced to use the food banks.
Like those private doctors on that panel, the man is completely out of touch with what life is like for the average person living here, and yet it's people like that who govern us and set all the rules of the game. I find it absolutely baffling.
Thankfully, I'm lucky enough to have a dad who supports me whatever I do, and who understands the barriers of even accessing traditional employment when you're burdened with mental health problems. And also lucky to have people kind enough to check out my games and leave such lovely comments, reminding me that the general view of the society I live in and the government that rule isn't the only view out there.
Fighting a constant battle between the person society says I should be and the person I actually am is an exhausting one though. Heck knows what I'd do without the internet to connect with people who feel similarly to the way I do!
I'm so sorry you've been through such awful times. It's incredible that you managed to get through it all to even be able to type it out here, and I really appreciate that you took the time to share those haunting experiences. I'm not weirded out at all anyhow! I'm just thankful that you'd share something so deeply personal as that, saddened that you had to go through it all in the first place, and grateful that you care enough to say something in general :3
I find it helps immensely to discuss different experiences with different people who are struggling or have struggled in the past and managed to claw their way to a better place because as you say, there is no one size fits all approach to this sort of thing! All you can really do is gather as much help and advice as possible from other people who are actually living the nightmare and try your best to put it all together into something you can use to help yourself through.
So yeah, I really appreciate all you've said here over time, and you're more than welcome to email me for further discussion, or I can email you, either way, haha. Thank you for everything :3
ashanihunter1@gmail.com
Trust me, I've always thought about it. Politicians and bureaucrats don't ever take into consideration how the 'below average' are. Hell, I'm pretty sure the cost of dinner for one night in their house could feed a number of families for a week. But that's how politics is, the super rich and powerful distribute wealth among themselves while the ones below gets the trickles. And that has a number of times played in my head which made me not want to work for a long time. I'd be busting my brain and body for hours just to earn minimum wage while my boss can look at an item 5x my monthly salary and say it's too cheap for their taste (real story).
Society isn't concerned with mental health issues until it becomes something they have to deal with and in every single case where they've been forced to, they just lock up the person in a prison or asylum. The thing is, no one wants a mess but they won't do anything to prevent it. Every year you hear a crazy number of people die because of suicide, mental illness related homicides and other things of the sort, next to no one tries to prevent it because how our world works is that 'it's a problem but not my problem' which is really bad. We always get reports that, let's narrow it down to teens since they are the biggest demographic, commit suicide because of the stress put on them to put their all in school and follow a mindless accord set by society that the only way to live is to be a workhorse for others. If you're an office worker, day after day you do the same thing, prices are always going up yet pay is stagnating if not declining.
I got a pretty decent job once but I soon found out, there is no such thing for a working person. Apparently, I was being paid more than others because I was a System Administrator but when I looked at what the cost was for my very bad way of living, I started to question what a decent job was. My rent alone was more than half my pay (not including bills yet and taxes). I couldn't even afford food. I had lived away from my mother for a while at the time but that was my first real time living alone since I was way far from any one I knew. I remember crying as a 20 year old male some nights, the only thing I had to eat was rice which I had to make in a kettle because I didn't have a stove or anything for that matter. I've lost track of the number of times I've thought about killing myself and the only thing that kept me going was the thought that my mother was prone to depression and I had a baby sister and no matter how dire things became, I'd try to live so maybe one day I can do something for them or at the very least, they die before I do.
I've been very cynical all my life but when all you see are people being modern slaves and the elites just ignoring it up until they can't, it really doesn't help. But that's human nature, I suppose. You'll never even begin to think of drowning until it's your head that goes under water.
It's been a while. Hold on tight, just as you've been doing for so long, I'm so proud of you. And I'm sure there's no shortage of people who share the sentiment. Just look at this comment section :D
In my experience? I've felt helpless, unable to do anything but wait until help is 'available'(honestly, damn the busy-busy circumstances). In the past two years, have had to wait on an appointment with my therapist far too many times. Really, it's extremely exhausting mentally. Somewhat akeen to how a fly might feel, helpless, as it awaits for it's only chance to free itself - when the spider finally decides to end it's misery.(actually, that's kinda depressing, oooof).
But anyways, eventually, I've kinda grown tired of it all. And later, have slowly eased myself into browsing the net on related information while waiting on it. 'Might as well create a list of questions which worry me the most, give a name to the topic, I'd like to discuss' is what I thought. And it.. kinda helped, actually!
It's like self-support, in a way. To organize, analyze and form a concise opinion on your feeling(, or decide you don't need one at all!). Like a healthier way of introspection(?). One that doesn't make me spiral, unlike thinking about #the_good_times does, y'kno?
I should also share that there is usually a lot of alternative events/opportunities that are hard to find if you're searching for something really specific. But if you start from a general topic, there might be a good chance you might find something in your area or other, sometimes - a really short event but exactly on the topic you need! To fill the time of wait and catch rare-time events.
I'm rooting for ya, fellow potat. Just gotta take care of yourself first place, and if it's possible(even if you have to be inconsiderate of others for it), satisfy your needs right away. All you can grab is your for the taking, a metaphorical phantom thief!
Yeah, I think that's all anyone can do when they're stuck in a place like that >.< And I guess holding on is enough if you can do it for long enough to get through the crap times and to a place where you can smile at stuff again :3 It's so much easier to keep holding on when there are folks like you around who are kind enough to help just by giving a comforting word or two! I honestly don't know what I'd do if I were completely alone. I'm so, so lucky to have such a caring dad to help me in person along with so many sweet people online who are willing to support me even when everything falls apart. It means more than I can put into words really!
That sucks so much that you've been stuck having to wait on help yourself :( It's such a frustrating position to be in, especially when you've managed to muster the mettle to try and help yourself, only to be told that you've gotta wait on that help >.<
I don't know about you, but I've gone through so many bursts of pushing super hard to get professional help only to have to wait so long for it that by the time it's actually available, I've fallen back into a place where I can barely push myself to attend an appointment, and if I make it there, the fire I previously had has gone out, and all I can do is sit lifelessly in the chair opposite a therapist while they speak and nothing goes in >.<
Heh, it might be a little depressing of an analogy, but it's so true!! I might even have to use that as a way to explain my frustration the next time I do eventually get off of a waiting list and see someone finally, haha.
And that's a very good idea to make a list of questions because every time, without fail, when someone asks me at an appointment if I have any questions, my mind goes blank, then I think of a billion things once I've already left >.< That kinda goes back to that general feeling of hopelessness that I'm usually in by the time I get an appointment. I guess I should try and seize the opportunity to get some thoughts and questions down when I'm in one of those more defiant moods.
That's a great way of thinking about it as well as you say, a healthier sort of introspection! Cos my usual introspection always winds up taking a rather dark downward spiral x3
Right now, doing the 30 days wild challenge definitely seems to be helping somewhat. The biggest danger is relying on it too much to make me feel okay/stable, because I've done that before with things like game jams where I can function while the thing is taking place, but then have a massive crash once it's over >.< I need to somehow find a better sorta balance where I don't make 1 thing my everything. I fall into that trap over and over again. Even though I'm aware of it, I still allow it to happen o.O
Thank you for everything :3 It's always immensely helpful to hear how other people deal with this sort of thing and try to take snippets of everyone's advice until I find a bunch of stuff that works for me. And since I'm so awful at remembering to put myself first sometimes, it will always help to hear someone tell me to at least try to do it. I feel like it's slowly sinking in the more I hear it! Like the more voices that say it's okay to do it, the more I can actually tell that to myself and genuinely believe it. So yeah, thanks again and I hope that you're able to keep pushing through too :3
I may seem appear out of nowhere but I already played some of your games (really enjoyed them! You wouldn't know how much I freak out/gushing over the characters lol) and will be enjoying future projects as well! I also wanted to say that, it's okay to let yourself rest (while playing some small games/taking a walk to distract) from time to time cuz it's included as productive too in terms of powering up yourself so you can tackle the next tasks! I'm so relieved and proud you still can be here, living and telling about what you have suffered through. I have a motto that always work best in reminding me that, “If I can have the worst, then the best will surely fly over to me.”
https://enfranchisement.tumblr.com/post/128441693297/beat-your-depression/amp
Oh btw, I'm sorry I can't donate to you for the time being, I'm not allowed yet >.<
Haha, reading that post you linked and also what you wrote about freaking out/gushing over characters made me smile to myself as I imagined both in kinda cartoon form x3
I do really suck at resting, haha. I've said it a few times before, but it's as though I can't allow myself to do it unless other people give me permission to >.< I don't really know how my brain ended up broken like that! Sadly, I think it's more common today to the point that a lot of people are like that and don't even realise it, or don't see it as a negative thing.
Thankfully, participating in this wildlife challenge and reading everyone's kind words is slowly starting to make me feel like it's actually okay to take a break without beating the crap outta myself mentally for doing it x3
Going on walks at weekends with my dad has always helped to give me a brief break from my head screaming 'Do more woooork!!" at me, haha. But for the first time in a hell of a long time, I finally started to play a game without feeling guilty about it. Which sounds like such a small thing that it's kinda insane x3 but for me, it's like a breakthrough, haha.
As you say, it's like powering up :3 I've never really been able to look at like that before cos any time I've tried to rest my stupid brain has made me feel like I'm being lazy and useless >.< but I'm finally beginning to start shaking off that really toxic mindset.
I doubt my depression will ever fully go away, but I guess all you can do is try your best to live in the moment and enjoy the things that do make you smile as they come rather than doing what I do all too often and worrying about the future or fixating on the past x3
And don't worry about donating anyways :3 Thanks for taking the time to play some of my stuff and for all your kind words! I appreciate it a lot ^-^
Please take your time! I know exactly how you feel and honestly your projects helped to comfort me during those times. Your work is amazing and things will get better!
That's so sweet of you to say! I'm really glad my projects were able to be of some help :3 I hope you don't get too many dark times like that cos I wouldn't wish that sort of thing on anyone >.<
I remember even as a kid, my main reason for playing games was as a form of escapism cos school was so awful, haha. But as soon as I got home to safety and immersed myself in a game, things felt okay again for as long as I was away from the world x3 I think I sorta accidentally lost that form of comfort the more I got into making games cos the time I used to spend playing them was taken over by trying to make them instead >.< I need to stop being so single-minded and slap myself when I get tunnel vision working on projects so I can spend some time actually playing and escaping reality a bit again :3
Hey there, hope you're doing ok. I've been in that spot before too and it's tough but it will get better! Take care, health always comes first! :>
Cheers :3 Yeah, sometimes it's hard to keep reminding yourself that it won't last forever when things are bad. I feel like it's easier to remember that when you keep talking about it cos shining a light on it makes it shrink a little. For me personally, when I start keeping it all in my head and not opening up, that's when things get even worse cos then I isolate myself from everything without even realising it >.<
I do feel a little bad about sharing stuff like that cos at the end of the day, everyone is dealing with their own crap, and in many ways, it's not really fair to just dump mine out there when they're my problems to deal with. It seems somewhat wrong to inflict that on other people. But then at the same time, if no one ever talked about how they feel, that would be so much more harmful for everyone to go around carrying their burdens completely alone.
I really like the Rilke quote they used in the film Jojo Rabbit (even if it makes me cry every time I see or hear it xD) that goes:
"Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final."
You take care too :3
I hope you'll be fine soon (^～^;)ゞtake your time, especially during times when everything is tough. Health is the most important thing, it was good if you can take a break to relax yourself. Your creations is great ( ꈍᴗꈍ) and we're willing to support you as much as we can.
Thank you :3 My grandma always used to say that health is the most important thing too, and she was very wise! She said there's no point in anything if you don't have your health x3 I miss her a lot cos we used to sit and have a cup of tea and a chat, and somehow that would make things seem a bit better.
I really appreciate yours and everyone's support ^-^ It means a lot to me!
Hey. I don't usually comment or write anything as I'm extremely shy but I felt compelled to say something. First of all, thank you for all the wonderful games you've made. You're an awesome creator and I've played most of your games. You have an incredible talent for writing and I hope that you're able to continue to find the things that you love and enjoy, e.g your walks. Secondly, thanks for opening up about your mental health status. It must not have been easy and I apologize that you're going through such a hard time. I am glad that you're continuing to live and go about your life despite the difficulties you face, despite your depression. It's a brave and hard thing to do. I am glad that you're living and trying your best to work through it. I am sure the people in your life love you immensely and is incredibly proud of you. It's hard to be productive, to be honest with yourself, to continue to find things that you enjoy and make an effort. I apologize if anything comes off as.. off. I know nothing I, a stranger, could do to help you or make you feel better, however I am sure there are many strangers like I who support you and want the best for you. Thank you for continuing living and good luck with your June Goal! I think it's amazing that you're participating. Although I'm unable to do anything myself because I'm not in any position to do so, but I wish you all the best with it! :) One final thing: Please don't worry and fret about DD. Please take your time feeling better and it's alright to take a break. You're not failing anyone or disappointing them. Put yourself and your mental health first even if it means making DD or any other project a backburner. We are happy to wait for you. Also! I am sorry if any of this comes off as presumptuous. I just wanted to say something >.< Good luck with your journey! I hope that you have a great June and that you have many wonderful experiences in it! I'm wishing you all the best for this year :)
Hey hey! Well, that's really sweet of you to write everything that you did :3 Thank you for all your kind words. It means a lot that you decided to say something despite your shyness!
Shyness is a bit like having a curse >.< It's such a hard thing to live with cos it's a bit like always being on the outside of things looking in. In a biography I read recently about someone who used to be extremely shy, he said that the kindest thing anyone can do for a shy person is to approach them and make them feel included :3
I know what he means because that's exactly what my best friend did for me. I got a seasonal job years ago, and I loved the job, but not all the socialising before the work began because I didn't know anyone there, and everyone else seemed to already know people >.< I was too shy and anxious to even try and start a conversation, and I felt so lonely. One day, she noticed that, and though we were complete strangers, she was so kind to me, treating me like an old friend or sister :3 She made a pretty big effort to make me feel more included in the group, and helped me have a lot more fun there than I would have had without her. No one had ever done that for me before, and it made a world of difference! I considered her to be my best friend ever since :3 Without someone like that to reach out though, breaking through shyness is almost impossible >.<
I'm really glad you've enjoyed my games anyhow :3 Sometimes I feel a bit like an impostor dev cos I don't really know wtf I'm doing and just try my best to get the ideas out of my head and into something playable x3 Normally, working on all that stuff helps heaps with my mental health. That's kinda how I know things are starting to go downhill when I instead find it difficult to work on it all instead of it being fun like it usually is >.< But going for walks and stuff helps when nothing else does (at least most of the time anyways!) I think because it sort of forces me to escape my own head for a bit if I'm outside and distracted by nature, haha.
Even when I'm in a bad place with my depression and stuff, I still feel like I'm extremely lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life that I can talk to and be open with about it all. Whether they be folks in person like my dad, or people I speak to online :3 It helps so much to be able to be open, honest, and talk about it all. I have no idea how people survive if they don't have anyone they can open up to >.< It must be so much harder if you're alone. I'm so grateful that I'm not alone at least :3
Nothing you said comes across as off at all :3 Everything just sounds really sweet and encouraging to me! So don't worry about that :3 And honestly, just reading everything you wrote helps a little bit. Any time someone speaks to me about stuff like this it always helps in some way. Because it helps to drill things into my head that I find difficult to allow to sink in if it's just myself saying it. Like for example I know I should try to take better care of my mental health by having breaks and things instead of pushing myself so much. I know that, but despite knowing it, I struggle to actually accept it and act on it. Whereas when other people say it to me, it's like I can accept it more. I guess maybe I'm not very good at giving myself permission to stop, haha. There's always a little voice telling me to do more, work harder, do better, even when I'm exhausted x3 Having other people tell me it's okay to rest and giving me permission to just take a break helps heaps in giving me the strength to tell that little voice to shush and let me relax ^-^
Thank you for the luck as well :3 I'm gonna try my best to do at least one little thing for the challenge each day, haha. Hopefully I will see some little baby animals to make me smile! Well, I already did today cos there were little baby birds in the garden. If I can manage to raise any money for the charity at the same time, that's a bonus!
You don't need to apologise anyhow :3 Nothing sounded presumptuous at all to me. It was just really lovely and heartwarming to read through everything you wrote ^-^ So thank you again for taking the time to say all that you did. I hope you get to have a happy June yourself! And that 2022 is a brilliant year for you overall :3
PS. If you ever just want to chat or vent or anything, you're welcome to drop me an email anytime! :3
Yeah, I've always been quite shy myself ^^ I've had some online friends for years and even now I don't call them XD but I think it's alright being shy. It's good to have friends, of course and I think the right person will understand the shyness! And I'm glad that you found someone that saw you, recognized you and that you two became best friends! It's good to be able to have friends to talk to and do things with, whether it be taking a walk, drinking coffee or just talking to each other. I am really happy that I commented and that you were sweet enough to even reply to me. Thank you :) I hope you continue to see lots of beautiful animals and scenery ^^ It must be rough, feeling like you have to work harder and harder. I hope that voice quietens down someday and even if it doesn't, I'm sure the people in your life will make sure to tell you to rest and take care. We all need a little love, support and validation that it's okay sometimes. Nothing wrong with that :) and I'm sure they're happy to be there for you. I may not always be the best with words, but I'm always up for a chat or vent if you want it, as well! I'll be sure to e-mail you sometime, but there's no pressure at all! Do whatever you feel is most comfortable to you. I hope you also have a lovely day today! Thanks for all your kind words too and for wishing me a brilliant 2022 as well!
I'm the same with my online friends x3 some of them I have known for 4+ years, but I have never properly spoken to them through a call of any kind, I always chat to them through typed messages. The closest I have ever gotten was going on a call and just listening to them speak while I typed my responses x3 And even my best friend who I know in person I've never had a voice or video call with! She's suggested having calls or just playing online games together, but we never have cos of my social anxiety >.< Thankfully, she understands, and so we just meet up a couple of times a year and hang out in person :3 We'd probably hang out more often if we could, but we live pretty far away from each other (about 4 hour's drive >.<)
Like you say, the right people understand :3 And they're the ones to keep in touch with. If someone doesn't get it, they're just gonna get annoyed x3 I once knew a guy who couldn't understand my shyness and anxiety, and he just got increasingly frustrated with me rejecting his insistence on having video calls until it got to the point where he just stopped messaging.
I dunno why, but all kinds of socialising terrify me if I don't know the person. When it comes to people I do already know though, I much prefer to either message, or see them face to face. Calls just fill me with dread!
Thank you more :3 It really meant a lot that you decided to reach out despite your shyness!
Spending more time away from my PC and in nature certainly seems to be helping a little bit so far :3 I mean, little baby geese waddled up to me when I was out walking with my dad yesterday, it's hard not to smile at that, haha. Sometimes when I'm working away on my VN projects, I think I just lose touch with everything else and forget that there are other things in life that make me happy >.< I'm too single-minded in my approach to everything.
And you're absolutely right that people in my life are there to keep reminding me to rest and take better care of myself :3 I'm so incredibly lucky to have that. I don't think I'd even still be here if I didn't because I suck at remembering that by myself >.<
And hey, I think you're awesome with words! Everything you've said sounds really wise and super kind :3 So yeah, thanks again for everything ^-^ Hope your week is off to a brilliant start!