To start off, I'll warn you that this is gonna be quite a ramble as usual (in fact, even longer than usual xD), so if you plan on reading all of this, you should probably grab yourself a coffee or something first x3 This post is basically my personal ramble about the process of Spooktober VN Jam 2023, but if you want to check out Lazy Polar Bear's experience with the art side of things, head here to read a post she's written about it :3 It's really interesting and I learned some stuff I didn't even know!

I'm gonna try my best to break this into sections anyhow, starting with random silly stats, then about the process of working on the game itself, followed by my thoughts and feelings about Spooktober Jam as a whole & how it has impacted my mental health this year.

Firstly, have some random jam stats :D

[Jam playlist/bands & songs that got me through September]

Celldweller
Arrival, It Makes No Difference Who We Are, Blackstar, Louder Than Words, Heart On, Good L_uck (Yo_'re F_cked), Gift For You, Eon, So Long Sentiment

Blue Stahli
Takedown, Rockstar, Scrape, Enemy, Metamorphosis, Ultranumb, Anti You, Demon, The Devil, Give Me Everything You've Got

Bring Me The Horizon
Itch For The Cure, Kingslayer, Obey, 1x1, Ludens

Of Mice & Men
Unbreakable

[Other random stats of things that occurred during the jam]

Average working hours: 9am - 4am (with breaks for food & exercise... yes, I know that's awful >.< I fully intended to work healthier, but too much happened that prevented that. I averaged about 15ish hours of work per day of the jam)

Shows seen: Jimmy Carr, Phil Wang, Derren Brown's Unbelievable

Favourite film watched: Boys From County Hell

Favourite animal/s seen: A random grey phalarope at Kimmeridge Bay (lifer :3) - Many bats!

Additional non-jam knowledge acquired: Attended a day course on UK bat ecology & more and learned a heck of a lot about different kinds of bats in the UK that I never even knew existed!

Headaches endured: Lost count ">.> so same as usual.

Times electrocuted: 1

What went right \^0^/

As you can probably imagine, the fact that I was able to team up with the awesome Lazy Polar Bear again was cause for celebration :3 Working with her is always such a delight! I just always end up feeling awful that she does such an insane amount of work to ensure our projects look so fabulous x3 And LPB wasn't the only person I got to work with on another project, as after finishing The Hostage, I also asked the amazing Emilie Brewer and Philip Kraaijenhof if they'd like to team up for Spooktober too when it rolled around! Dominic Devlin also joined the voice cast, so it was wonderful to have the opportunity to work together with people who were an absolute pleasure to work with on previous projects!

After finding out that LPB wouldn't have quite as much time to work on assets as she'd initially hoped, I feared we may find it difficult to recruit a team at the last minute, but thankfully, after posting in the recruitment channel on DevTalk, we were joined by some brand new faces who I'd never worked with before :3

I guess the writing went okay in the sense that I was able to finish the script in good time and I don't completely hate it xD As usual, the story didn't quite come out the way I originally envisioned it, but I feel like that's just what happens when you try to pull ideas out of your head and get them down on paper.

The soundtrack couldn't really have gone better! I managed to make pretty fast progress with it, and for the first time, I feel as though I was able to create an OST where I considered the music for the project as a whole and tried to include things like repeating motifs to link it all together in a cohesive way :3

Voice acting went even more smoothly than usual with the cast delivering at lightning speed :3

Getting to work with an editor for the first time was amazing too!

And while LPB has a few hangups with the page design, I think it looks absolutely stunning with the assets she created :3 Alongside the bits she made for Bitter/Sweet's page, it's probably my favourite so far ^-^

What went wrong T_T

There were more than a few bumps in the road during the jam, haha. 

Programming Problems

Programming was one of them. I was originally thinking I'd (reluctantly) have to make the project in Naninovel as usual, but then had the fortune to be introduced to a new friend and team member who was going to take over the programming using Ren'Py. I was absolutely over the moon because I'm not really a programmer myself. I just do what I can to muddle through with Naninovel. I do it because it's necessary if I want to make an idea into a game, but I don't like it x3 Programming is my most despised part of game dev, haha. So it was a huuuge relief to know I wouldn't have to deal with that side of things this jam and could concentrate more on the soundtrack and stuff instead!

However, things didn't go according to plan x3 As we progressed with the project, it became clearer and clearer that the workload involved just wasn't a fair thing to put onto another person, especially when there were certain aspects of the project that seemed more difficult to achieve in Ren'Py compared to Naninovel. Communication was sometimes hard due to me only really having experience with Tyranobuilder + Naninovel and not knowing that things which Naninovel makes a breeze take significantly more work to implement in Ren'Py >.<

I also learned that it's far more difficult to try and explain to a programmer how you envision a scene playing out VS just putting it together yourself. I think the problem is that a lot of ideas come to me as I'm actively writing Naniscript. So you can do all the planning you like and have everything written down, but you can't really account for suddenly realising that X sound effect would fit perfectly in this spot, or that maybe moving the camera in a certain way might work fantastically in X scene after all, or that switching or stopping a BGM track at the place you thought would work best when writing the scene initially actually works slightly better if you do it a little earlier/later.

Those sorts of small details are fine to add in and tweak if you're going along doing the programming yourself, but you can't be constantly poking a programmer to do X and Y with every tiny new thing that pops into your head. It would be both infuriating for that poor person + completely impractical for them to have to keep going back over stuff every time you have a thought for something small you'd like to try >.<

I had thought I'd done a pretty detailed job of setting out the scenes and where various SFX and BGMs should play when typing up a document for our programmer, but there was sooooo much I ended up adding and changing as I went when I ended up back on programming duty in the end.

It was definitely a tough situation to navigate. The last thing I wanted to do was waste the time and effort that someone else had put into the jam :( But as the time ticked away and I got a better idea of just how many more work hours would be involved, I realised I just couldn't put that on our programmer. I'd never dream of asking someone to work 15 hours a day to get something done just because my own planning and estimates on how long stuff would take were so skewed. So I wound up taking over programming in Naninovel after all because I didn't want to put the stress of getting the project finished by the deadline on someone else. I was willing to push myself to do it, but I wasn't about to ruin someone else's life by making unreasonable demands.

In the end, I feel like this decision was for the best, but it threw up additional problems, such as the fact that LPB had made all of the UI assets for Ren'Py. I tried my best to implement them in Naninovel, but there were sadly a few different assets that I wasn't able to use because the UI in Unity just went all weird whenever I tried to use them T_T It also meant warping the dimensions of some of the assets and using them in ways they weren't originally intended to be used.

On top of all that, we were waiting on some art assets towards the end of the jam which significantly delayed programming in general, as while I was able to program a barebones version of the scene/s with missing assets, not having the assets in question made it impossible to work on elements of cinematography >.< At one point in the jam, I actually reached a place where there was physically no further progress to be made because I was waiting on assets. I suppose that's one of the perils of working in teams, haha.

I personally don't like attempting to lead >.< I'm not good at chasing people up on these sorts of things because it makes me feel extremely awkward, as I feel like I don't have the right to ask a person to deliver assets by X date when we're all working together for free. I do set both soft and hard deadlines for things, but if those are missed, I struggle to know how to handle that. I'm just thankful that everyone pulled together in the end to finish the project in time :3

As I mentioned regarding programming, I'm happy to push myself to work stupid hours on jam projects to make deadlines, but I would never expect anyone else that I'm working with to do the same, in fact, I'd really rather they didn't even attempt to x3 It's not healthy, haha.

An Audio Wizard's Illness

On top of the programming problems, we also ended up missing an audio engineer, as the person who had hoped to join us to help master all our audio and help me create SFX for the project ended up ill for almost the entirety of the jam, so wasn't able to work on the project in the end :( This meant that I also had to muddle through as best I could with all things audio on the project.

Sneaky Scope

Scope is one of the things I struggle with when planning for game jams. I foolishly thought I had cracked it this time by making the decision to limit my word count to around 10k. I'm not sure exactly what the final word count wound up being (a little over 10k I think, but not by much!) And in some ways, this might have worked. My thinking was that, if I'm not programming this time, and I'm sharing big time-consuming jobs like cutting voice actor audio with an audio engineer, then it shouldn't be too hard to get a game with 10k words done in time for the jam deadline.

Of course, having 2 VAs for both Linnet and Rhime to increase player options did increase the scope by a hefty amount since it meant there were essentially 4 possible versions of the game (GxB, GxG, BxB, BxG), however, because all the audio work would be split between myself and the audio engineer, I felt as though it would be achievable.

I hadn't anticipated that I'd end up both programming and handling all the game's audio myself, and I guess when it came to that, I should maybe have instantly decreased the scope by axing voice options or implementing them post-jam instead of pushing myself to get it all done in time for the jam deadline >.<

The problem was, our audio engineer really hoped she would recover in time to help out, so I was hanging on for a while waiting on her while more and more VA was being delivered. It reached a point where I realised I'd just have to make a start on it myself because it just wasn't clear whether or not she was going to be able to contribute, and I didn't want to leave it so late that the audio would be uncut/edited and make it impossible to implement in time.

Despite the insane amount of work involved in handling all aspects of the audio solo, I was determined not to drop any voice options because I didn't want the efforts of the VAs on the team to go to waste. And while I could've added anything post-jam, I didn't really want to do that either due to there being a cash prize category for Best Voice Actor, and I didn't want to deny the amazing VAs the opportunity to be judged for a shot at winning that category by not including their lines in the game for submission by the deadline.

I can't lie, having to take on roles I didn't think I'd be dealing with in the jam was pretty painful. It meant pushing myself to work hours that I hadn't planned to work at a time when I thought I was finally going to have a more relaxed jam experience for the first time x3 And the same thing happened to LPB on the art side of things as she wound up working on emergency art to cover the absence of other team members >.< Which was heartbreaking to see unfold because she was already so busy with other stuff. I was genuinely worried for her health at one point :( 

And sure, there isn't anything you can do when team members get ill or are otherwise unable to contribute as expected, and you could chalk it all up to bad luck! BUT, at the end of the day, I still see it as my fault because if the overall scope of the project had been smaller, it wouldn't have been so difficult to pick up the parts that went unmanned. I was happy enough to work harder than I thought I'd have to because I essentially brought it on myself x3 but LPB really didn't deserve to suffer because of my scope problems >.< No one deserves that. 

In many ways, it's a minor miracle that we actually managed to finish and submit the project in time for the end of the jam x3

The State of Spooktober VN Jam

Since this project was made for Spooktober VN Jam, I feel like it only makes sense to talk about the state of the jam as a whole here, but I have incredibly mixed feelings about it, so I'll split it into three different sections.

Game Jam/Creation Side

This part is the part of the jam that I love, haha. I'm not a competitive person, so ever since taking part in the jam back when I worked on Limbo Line, I've tried to think of it as though it's a regular game jam like any other rather than it being a competition x3

Spooky season is my favourite time of the year, and visual novels are one of my favourite kinds of video games, so a jam that marries the spooky season with visual novels was always going to be my perfect cup of tea :D I approach it without considering it will be judged, and just try to tell whatever story comes to mind at the time.

The fact that it's one of the biggest VN jams of the year also means that it's a brilliant opportunity to get to team up with bigger teams and work with a wonderful mixture of friends and new faces :3

Part of me is overjoyed to see the jam increase in popularity because it means both more people to team up with + more spooky games for me to enjoy playing once the jam is over! But with that increase in popularity comes a whole host of things that have irked my autistic brain, with much of the competitive side of things feeling unjust. And if there's one thing that really gets my goat, it's injustice x3

Judging/Competition Side

So how can that injustice be tackled? Honestly, I don't really know >.< The problem is, the jam has become so popular that the judges can't really cope effectively with the task they're faced with. And I should note, that's not me having a go at the judges or anything as I'm sure they're doing their best with the resources they have. It's more just a general observation that as the jam grows, the current system of judging becomes more and more unsustainable.

If there were no prizes at stake, the judging process itself wouldn't really matter all that much and it wouldn't rile me up to the degree that it does. It's the fact that the cash prizes are getting quite large now with more and more in the way of high-profile sponsors supporting the jam. And when you have so much money involved, I feel as though the judging system behind assigning those prizes needs to be rethought in order to make things fair for everyone taking part.

After reading some of the writeups posted by this year's jam judges, it appears as though they all operate on their own separate scoring systems when it comes to shortlisting games. Which again would be more than fine if there weren't prizes up for grabs. But surely when cash is involved, there should be some sort of unified system that all judges adhere to.

It also seems as though personal preference plays a part in the entire judging process, which once more would be okay in a no/low-stakes jam, but with $$$ up for grabs, I feel as though all judges involved should act with a greater degree of professionalism and try their hardest to keep personal preferences to one side while judging entries.

From what I understand, when trying to determine the shortlist, judges only play a very small amount of each game that they're assigned in order to make swift decisions and get through their list of 100+ games. They say they have to ask, would this game make the top 10? If not, it's a no. If a game gets two nos from the two judges assigned to play it, they won't make the shortlist.

I can see how this system would be effective when you have such a vast number of entries VS a small number of judges. I imagine that in many instances, you could indeed rapidly identify whether a game could hold its own in a top 10 based on things like, having bugs or bad spelling/grammar within the first 5-10 minutes of the game, what the quality of the art or writing is like, and various other factors like basic visual novel accessibility options.

HOWEVER

There are additional category prizes up for grabs too, such as Best Character Design, Best OST, and Best Voice Actor. And this is where I begin to take issue with the above-mentioned system of judging.

If judges are only playing 15 minutes or so of a game before giving it a shortlist nope and moving on to the next project, how are they supposed to effectively judge for the additional category prizes?

The answer is that they can't. Because with that system of judging in place, it just wouldn't be possible to judge those bonus categories fairly.

This is bad because there may well be projects in the mix that have the most incredible OST/Character Design/Voice Actor, but they may go completely unobserved by all judges if they're dropped from the process at shortlisting because of some other aspect that didn't quite make the cut in the eyes of the judges.

Take a project's OST for example. If the judges decide the game isn't shortlist-worthy after a few minutes of play, they will only ever hear maybe 1 or 2 tracks from the piece because they may only have played a very small percentage of the total game. Therefore, the OST will go unnoticed, and you will find the entire list of nominees for best OST will go to games from the shortlist that the judges have played significantly more of. And yes, if these entries have made the shortlist, then chances are, their OSTs will be pretty good, but it also means that many other fantastic OSTs will completely slip through the net unheard.

Since I can't be a fly on the wall to watch the judging process as it happens, the above is, of course, merely an assumption, but it's an assumption based on logic and can be applied to the other category prizes too.

What if a project that takes roughly 50 minutes to play through in its entirety reveals a new character design in the last 15 minutes of gameplay? Had the judges only played the first 15 minutes of said project and deemed it unsuitable for the shortlist, then they would never even witness that character's design, and therefore, the artist responsible for that character's design would not have their work judged or considered for the prize category. Their efforts would go completely unseen. This can't possibly be considered fair.

The exact same thing goes for voice acting, and to use our project as an example, both Philip & Emilie changed the way they voiced their character as the story progresses, reflecting each shift in the narrative. The game is split into roughly three segments, so if the judges only play the first segment of the game before determining it unworthy of shortlisting, they will only hear the opening phase of each voice actor's performance and therefore completely miss the nuance added to the character throughout the entirety of the piece, rendering judging for Best Voice Actor completely ineffective like the other individual prize categories.

I'm hesitant to call this method of judging lazy because, at the end of the day, the judges have volunteered their time to play so many games in the first place, and it's not their fault that there are a high number of entries. Without the judges dedicating every waking hour to playing through each project in full, it would be impossible to hear all soundtracks, see all character designs, and take in all voice acting. And while I would personally be prepared to undertake something like that for the sake of fairness, I certainly wouldn't put those expectations on others.

That doesn't change the fact that the system is both broken and unfair as it stands though >.<

I think the only way you could potentially fix things and make them fairer in the future is to have more judges or fewer entries. I can't imagine fewer entries will happen. If anything, there will likely be an even higher number of projects submitted for next year's jam!

So perhaps a more realistic suggestion would be to add a word count cap to future editions of the jam?

I don't think game jam projects created within a month really need to exceed 10k words. Heck, the shorter the games, the less pressure on the judging panel as a whole, and the easier it would become to implement a more balanced judging system, so perhaps even a 5k word limit would be more suitable! It would certainly help bridge the gap between solo devs and larger teams, and sprawling 30k+ word games just really aren't necessary in a month-long game jam.

(I realise I'm being a bit of a hypocrite here since Limbo Line was fairly long, and the following year I wound up making 2 shorter projects instead of 1 longer one, but I do find it difficult not to get carried away during jams. Looking at the jam as a whole though I can see that by doing that in the past, I've only contributed to the problem and made the lives of the judges more awkward.)

So then maybe next year's judges need to try and recruit more people to the judging panel, possibly implement a word limit for submissions, and potentially be more open to spending more time on each individual project.

At the end of the day, judges are volunteering. They know what to expect when signing up, and no one is forcing them to do it, but I would hope they might make more of an effort to ensure judging is more balanced than it currently is. Especially since those judges essentially hold the power in their hands to change the lives of the devs participating now that both the money involved and the exposure have jumped up in recent years.

I have no idea if the judges are aware of their ability to both help and hinder everyone involved, but if I were a judge, it's something I'd be taking extremely seriously.  Again though, those are expectations I would set for myself, and I realise they're unreasonable to put on others.

As an observation, this year seems particularly baffling in that the judge's honourable mentions/shortlist includes several games that contain bugs, bad spelling/grammar, and other small niggles that the judges themselves claimed during the judging process would deny a project a place on the list.

Please don't get me wrong, I mean no disrespect whatsoever to the devs whose projects are featured on the list. Of the ones I played, they were wonderful, and there are plenty on there that I didn't manage to play. It's just I couldn't help but notice stuff like the small bugs and the spelling/grammar errors, and while these didn't detract from my personal enjoyment of the games, I found myself somewhat confused that the judges seemed to have missed them when they were supposedly being super critical of tiny things like that.

It was especially concerning because there were several games I played that were far more polished, without any of the previously mentioned niggles present that didn't even get a mention from the judges. (And yes, when I play people's Spooktober games, I play the original versions submitted to the jam so that I'm playing the same version the judges are judging, not updated versions containing bug fixes and such.)

You may think, well, if you have the ability to notice these things and have such a problem with it all, why don't you volunteer to be a judge yourself?

To be honest, I would. Heck, I'd like to! My social anxiety prevents me from even asking though, and my pessimistic brain tells me the likelihood they'd actually allow me to join them is slim to none >.< Because I'm not a previous Spooktober winner, and I don't have much of a presence in the DevTalk Discord server thanks to my autism and social anxiety. In my mind, I essentially don't matter to them and therefore don't have a voice. Besides, I can hardly imagine I'd be in their good books after writing all this criticism of their system!

That's exactly what this is though, criticism. Not a dig, as much as it may come across that way xD I love Spooktober jam with all my heart, but I dearly wish it could be improved. I'm gonna sound like a broken record, but as I said, if it were a regular game jam, I would have no complaints about the way it's run. It's the fact that it's become such a big deal. I just feel as though it should be run with more care and responsibility. The current judging process doesn't reflect the sheer size and importance of the jam in its present form.

The Jam's Impact On Mental Health & Motivation

Others

Aside from the distribution of prizes, you have to consider the impact on individual participants when judging isn't as detailed or considered as it should be. I've spoken to a handful of devs and artists of different kinds who took part in this year's jam and are devastated by the results. Not because they expected to win something and didn't, but because they poured their souls into aspects of their projects only to have said projects largely overlooked by judges who don't possess enough time to explore each entry with the passion and care that is deserved.

This has resulted in a decline in the mental health of some participants, who have drawn heartbreaking conclusions that they should give up on writing/art/composing because their work wasn't even judged thanks to the project they worked on not making it to the shortlisting phase of judging.

I asked some of those I've spoken to if it's okay for me to discuss our conversations here, keeping them anonymous, and a couple of them agreed.

One person whose project I played is now convinced that they're a terrible writer despite the fact that I and others have assured them their writing is wonderful. They are struggling to believe us based on their comparison of their own work VS those games on the shortlist featuring spelling & grammar mistakes. In their eyes, if a game with bad spelling & grammar can make the shortlist/mentions when their work which was absent of such mistakes didn't make it, it must mean that they lack the ability to write a compelling narrative. This false and harmful assumption (probably) wouldn't have occurred had the judges not included projects with spelling/grammar mistakes on their shortlist/mentions.

Another now doubts their ability to create engaging music based on witnessing the inclusion of games on the shortlist/mentions that used Creative Commons assets for their soundtracks. To quote them directly:
"What's the point in trying to create original music if teams can make the shortlist by grabbing free assets online? It took me weeks of work to put our OST together and that's somehow worth less than just grabbing random tracks from a database? We didn't get a mention or anything like our game didn't exist. It makes me wonder why I even bothered tbh."

Sure, you could argue that having a game devoid of spelling and grammar mistakes or a project with a banging OST alone shouldn't be enough to make the shortlist/honourable mentions, and I'd be inclined to agree with that because a game can't stand out on just a single striking element alone. What makes a game great is when everything comes together in one harmonious whole and it all just clicks. But I do think that more value should be placed on things like making the effort to have an OST or to implement some degree of voice acting, especially when there are more than enough people posting to join teams on the DevTalk Discord server.

In some people I've spoken to, it's so bad that they're considering completely abandoning their creative pursuits because they've lost faith in their ability to create.

I'm sure everyone in the VNdev community would agree that this is a tragic consequence of an overworked judging panel and a flawed judging system, and not at all what the organisers intend for participants. I think I even remember reading somewhere that the point of the DevTalk community was to empower creators and get more VNs out into the world.

A degree of some sort of harm is unavoidable due to the very nature of competition, and for the most part, it's down to each individual to look after their own mental health and wellbeing, as no one can be responsible for our emotions but ourselves. Still, with the growth of the competition, maybe there could be more done to ensure participants have a more positive post-judging experience. Such as being offered a small amount of feedback on projects so that people know what they might be able to improve on for future efforts rather than focusing on never knowing what prevented them from reaching the rosy heights of shortlisting.

Again though, I realise this would add more work for the judges, and not everyone would appreciate feedback. I would like to hope that judges take some sort of notes as they go through each project though, so perhaps these could be forwarded to those who ask for them via some sort of request form? I don't know the answer here >.<

Myself

(Content warning for mentions of mental health struggles, neurodiversity, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts)

From a personal perspective, I am among those shattered to have poured so much of my soul into a project only to have it go completely unmentioned by the judges, haha. It's a special kind of pain to put so much time and effort into a pursuit to have it essentially ignored x3 Thankfully, I'm rescued from falling into complete and utter despair by those who have been kind enough to play the game and leave a lovely comment on it, so believe me when I say I appreciate it with all of my heart. Your light is a ray of hope in what is otherwise a pretty dark place for me!

Part of my problem is down to something I've only very recently discovered I suffer from. A pesky and pervasive issue called RSD.

It's not something I had ever heard of before, but after getting my ASD diagnosis, RSD, along with a few other things, have been mentioned by some of the professionals I've been seeing, and learning more about them, I realise how much sense they make!

I won't launch into a big description of RSD or what it's like to live with, as the link I included above does an excellent job of describing it. For anyone not wanting to read the article though, here is a small snippet of what's in there:

What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD for short, is a common issue experienced by Neurodivergent (ND) people. It is thought to be caused by increased difficulty in regulating our emotions, which leads to an incredibly heightened experience of rejection.

Put simply, it is an increased sensitivity to rejection (as the name implies), and the rejection does not have to be real. It can be imagined or feared.

RSD can be incredibly intense, and we can feel it to the core of our being as intense physical pain, discomfort, and sensory overwhelm. It can be almost impossible to reign in these sensations when an intense episode is triggered.

One thing you learn with being Neurodivergent and having RSD, is that often we can recall every intense moment of hurt and rejection like it was yesterday. This aspect can be insidious. If we could forget that hurt, maybe RSD would not be the debilitating issue that it is.

Head here for the full article.

Knowing that RSD is a thing helps me understand why the pain I felt upon seeing Tunnel Vision was absent from the shortlist/honourable mentions was so intense.

I don't participate in Spooktober Jam with the aim of winning, in fact, I never expect to win a single thing in my life. My self-esteem is so non-existent that it doesn't really even occur to me that I could ever produce something worthy of winning a prize, and so it's not a factor I think about when starting a Spooktober project.

So then why did it hurt so much to not be included at all in the shortlist/honourable mentions? To the point that I almost self-harmed for the first time in 3 years. To the point that I thought I'd be better off dead than carrying on with game dev.

The project has received plenty of positive feedback from players, so why should the opinions of the judging panel even matter?

Well, the answer is in the way RSD eats you up from the inside. It thrives in an information vacuum. 

While positive feedback was beginning to come in from players, I believe it was the lack of recognition from the judges that most likely triggered an episode of RSD because getting no mention and no feedback from them whatsoever reinforced the kind of rejection I've experienced my entire life from those in positions of power. Not even necessarily rejection, but just the general feeling that I don't exist.

The thing that must have made it worse is the fact that in previous years of the jam, the judges have at least deemed the projects I've submitted worthy of shortlisting, and that alone was enough for me to feel content with the work I'd done. The fact that Tunnel Vision didn't make the shortlist this year was devastating because, in a sense, it feels like a step backwards, and also throws up a lot of unanswered 'why?'s.

That then created the belief in me that the project I submitted was ignored because it must have been awful.

So awful that it wasn't worth even a mention or a proper playthrough. So awful that despite the incredible art assets and voice acting delivered by my teammates, the aspects I was responsible for were so bad they swallowed up all the good there was in the project.

In my heart of hearts, I knew this wasn't true, largely thanks to all the kind comments left by players. And I never doubted my belief that the people I worked with produced amazing assets on their parts. It was just the lack of evidence from the judges themselves to contradict my stupid brain's beliefs that resulted in me assuming the judges absolutely hated the project and deemed it worthless.

And that belief was followed by the reasoning it was entirely my fault because since the art and voice acting was all brilliant, the fault must be with the parts of the project that I worked on, right?

Ever since I saw the shortlist/honourable mentions I'd been beating myself up about it trying to figure out what I did wrong. It was like all the positive comments from players were sucked out of the window, replaced only by doubt and despair at the lack of word from the judges.

Was my writing woeful? Did my soundtrack suck? Did I miss some hideous bug in testing that no one else has found or told me about?

Did they just hate the whole concept of it?

Do they hate me?

The shame, hurt, and pain seemed almost endless. I had let my entire team down.

The efforts of those who had placed their faith in me to submit something where their work would be worthy of judging had gone to waste. We didn't make the shortlist, which means their hard work probably wasn't even witnessed.

All because I couldn't create a concept that was good enough.

Nothing I ever do will be good enough. 

I'm not good enough.

No one will ever want to work with me again when I'm so worthless.

This is, of course, a problem I have to deal with by myself (and hopefully with the aid of therapy at some point x3)

Judges can't be expected to leave feedback for each project because there are simply too many. Having some idea of their thoughts would have helped immensely, and I did ask but heard nothing back, which is about what I was expecting, especially when asking in a chat that's constantly updating, and I just don't have it in me to go pestering people in their dms.

Now that I've learned about RSD though (and if you want to read more on it yourself, there's another article on the same site as the one I linked above) and also had more time to reflect in general, I've arrived at a point where I no longer care what the judges might've thought of the project.

Just knowing that RSD is a thing has helped me feel a little less invalidated in general. I know that I hurt more than most because of the layers of hurt inflicted over the course of my life. The same pattern of it seeming like I don't exist repeating over and over is bound to be painful and reinforce a lot of negativity.

Those thoughts are still with me, but instead of screaming in my face all day and night, they've been pushed further into the background. Time away from my PC has taught me to listen to the caring advice of friends and the kind comments of strangers. They mean more than the negative thoughts generated by my idiot brain.

Signing off

Anyone who knows me knows that my mental health has never been great x3 And it's for that reason and all those above that I think I might bow out of participating in future versions of this particular jam despite my adoration for the concept, or at least stop trying to lead projects as part of it and do something in a much smaller capacity.

It's possible I might see if another team will have me for making an OST or something, but I think this will be my last time participating as a project lead. I guess we'll see how I feel when September 2024 rolls around. Unless I can somehow become much mentally tougher though, I'm not sure it's worth the pain it'll cause me.

I don't regret participating over the years at all :3 It's been fantastically fun getting to team up with different people and make spooky games together. Nothing will erase the wonderful times I had or the pride I feel for my teammates having successfully finished and submitted projects. The jam will always hold a special place in my heart, but unfortunately, my heart is too fragile to handle the judging portion of the jam.

I have to weigh up whether the joy of creating a game for the jam is worth the damage to my mental health afterwards. Up until now, the answer has been, absolutely, yes it is, but this time I came so close to hurting myself over it that I need to consider my answer much more carefully in the future.

I have to say though that I appreciate your support for this and my other jam projects more than I could ever put into words :3 Your kind comments and encouragement help soooo much in my never-ending fight against my own stupid brain and its constant negativity x3

Without you guys, I would've lost the fight against my demons long ago and given up game dev! So please know that when you take the time to play my projects and type up something sweet, you're shooting me a little bit of light in the darkness, and I will never, ever stop being grateful for that.

If you're following me because you're waiting for news on DD, I'll be making a post about DD and the future of my other projects as soon as I can muster the time and energy, and with any luck, it won't end up even half as long as this one xD 

In the meantime, I hope you all had a fantastic spooky season & that November is being kind to you :3

To quote the Circus of Horrors in a more lighthearted capacity, in the words of Camp Dracula:

"Don't have nightmares... just wet dreams!"

x3